I know I haven't been posting as much as I did last year, and I feel awful about that. I've just been so busy getting sick and going to the hospital. But I learned something today that made me feel a different kind of sick, Merely ten months after telling me he couldn't handle me being sick and he didn't want to take care of anybody but himself (actually his mom is the one who told me all of this after he broke up with me through Facebook), my ex-boyfriend is getting married to somebody else. And I highly doubt she knows what she's getting into. So I thought I'd write it all down here.
I do not know your name, but I can say I do know what you're getting into. I have known this man you are going to marry for five years, while you have only know him for five months. He was always a family friend, and I was always so in love. I'd been abused before him, and I was too scared to be with anybody else, because I was wrongly still in love with the son of the man who abused me. But then things cleared up, and I thought it was my time to love again.
So when Phillip asked me out, I decided to go on a date with him.
I thought we were so great together. I thought we were going to end up forever. But he had different plans. He said he didn't love me like I loved him. I still don't know if I believe him. He definitely loved my body. He even tried to take it from me. But when he realized my body can't offer him what he wanted, he left me.
He broke up with me on the Internet, and let his mom tell me it's because he couldn't handle how sick I am.
But do you know what else she told me. He said he didn't want to have to take care of anybody but himself.
And now, ten months later, he's suddenly decided he can?
Well, I have to tell you: This time, I definitely don't believe him.
So now I want to ask you what's going to happen. What's going to happen when you get sick and he doesn't want to take care of you? What's going to happen when he's the only one left to take care of your three children? I've seen him around ONE kid. He can't handle it. What's going to happen when your kids get sick? Is he going to go crying home to his mom and leave you to deal with the kids so you can get sick all over again? So he won't take care of you once again? But what happens when your kids decide they like him? When your kids have fallen in love with him? And then he ups and leaves them? Because that won't be the first time it happens. And it will happen. Because it will be the third time he leaves a wife. And kids. I'd convinced myself the women were always the problem. We'd work because I'm not a problem. I'm a handful, but I never treat others wrong. But he did. He treated them wrong. And then he treated me wrong. He hurt me physically. And he hurt me mentally. And he hurt me emotionally. He left me thinking I'm an unlovable person because of how sick I am. And what's going to happen when your children feel unlovable because he left them?
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Click here to catch up on the parts before.
On the Isle of the Lost, blood is a regular thing. Villains get in street brawls, villain kids tear their skin on fences as they try to get away from their mischief, even animals bleed as they get in fights from time to time. Isa never thought she’d see more blood than from a random nose bleed in Auradon. But every single person in the kingdom must be experiencing nose bleeds for all the blood she watches pool in the streets.
Honestly, though, most of it is coming from the villains.
They’re all still learning how to use their magic and powers again, and for the most part they’re only using them on themselves. They are their own punching bags. All the Auradonians have to do is stand and wait for them to wear themselves out.
As the villains start to thin out and Isa’s own mom accidentally drinks a potion to turn herself back into a cat, Isa slips into a grove of trees to the side and runs off.
Under her breath, she sighs, “I’m coming to show you, Mal.”
Click here to catch up on the parts before.
“What’s up, Carlos?” Mal pushes past a strand of tree branches. They’ve just passed the bridge they watched Ben walk away from them down not long ago.
Carlos shifts Dude in his arms, “He’s getting a little heavy, here.”
“Come here, baby,” Evie takes the dog from her friend’s arms and gently tosses him up and down. He pants in happy response.
“Man, stop complaining,” Jay lightly shoves Carlos at the shoulder.
Carlos turns on his heel and tries to shove Jay back. Only that’s like trying to shove the wall of the cave they just left from. Jay grabs him at the neck and noogies his head. “Hey, stop that,” but Carlos is laughing.
“Boys!” Mal claps.
Jay lets go of the younger boy, his signature smirk set on his lips.
“We really need to find a leash for the dog,” Mal looks around. “Evie! Does the strap of your bag come off?”
“Well, yeah,” she looks at the red leather across her torso. “But, then how would I carry it?”
“We can put it in my bag,” Mal says. “That’s the plus of having such a small purse.”
Evie shrugs and passes Dude over to her purple-haired friend. She works the strap off of her little box bag and hands it over to Mal.
Mal sets the dog on the ground, kneeling down beside him, and attaches the strap to the collar at his neck. She passes the loose end to Carlos.
“Cool,” Carlos laughs. “Now you can walk with us, Dude!”
The dog yips.
Mal rolls her eyes as she accepts Evie’s little bag and sticks it inside her own. She slips the strap back over her shoulder, and Evie helps her stand to her feet.
“Where to now?” Jay asks.
“We continue on,” Mal says.
Edit: I started writing this two weeks ago. It only took me this long to post because of all of the tragedies that started happening in Orlando. Also, I am no longer in the hospital, though I have been back once since, and I found out I have a stomach ulcer.
I am writing this in a hospital, although, I hope by the time I've posted this I'll be out.
I am so excited by Sundays nearly every week. Because Sundays are my show days. And my current favorite show is Liv & Maddie. Well, I was REALLY excited for Sunday, the sixth. The premiere of the first half of Liv & Maddie's season three finale. Only. I did not know I would end up in the hospital that night.
We still haven't gotten my lab results back yet, so I can't tell you what's wrong though I probably will in my next post. That's not the point of this post, though.
The point of this post is that, even though I've been in the hospital and couldn't watch it when it premiered (but I thank God daily for Watch Disney Channel these days), I was still able to take part in the live tweeting of the stars. That's what I love about Twitter. It's like you can be there with your favorite people, even when they're not physically there.
Jessica Marie Garcia is one of the Liv & Maddie cast members who live tweets every episode, and it was great having her there to keep my entertained/caught up on all the going ons of the episode. It really cheered me up.
Now, the going ons of the episode is what I really loved Sunday night.
They finally got Jillow together!
Of course, I knew it was going to happen. It was a pretty predictable storyline, knowing that they filmed the third season finale as a possible series finale. But I didn't know how there were going to do it. And to be quite honest, I thought I was going to hate it.
I don't know, I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that they were going to take the way Willow feels about Joey into kind of a stalker thing, and throw at the kids, "Hey, as long as you keep stalking your guy into uncomfort, he'll wanna be with you forever!"
And, boy, I am so glad that feeling was wrong.
Instead, what they did was beautifully open Joey's eyes to realize how much he liked having Willow around. To realize that her being gone would hurt him. Instead, they threw at the kids watching, "Appreciate what you have, and let it go, but let it know it has your love along the way." And it was just BEAUTIFUL. All of the sudden, I want to marry Jillow. And I hope to see even more of it in the next season.
I even sat and compiled a video of all Jillow clips to see just how beautifully they put it together in one sitting. It was even more beautiful than I thought. And now I'm sure you want to see this beauty too.
It's kind of bad quality and I missed a clip from the third season Christmas episode, but click the link below!
I just wanted you all to know how proud I am of this show and how they wrote in Jillow.
Miggie is a different story, altogether.
Monday, June 13, 2016
This past weekend was such a heavy one for America. And I have been praying nonstop for it. But. It was also a heavy one for my Church.
I lost my pastor of thirteen years.
Now before you start writing your grievances, don't. My pastor did not pass away.
Nobody knows the whole story, really. And let me tell you, this is one of the most difficult stories I will have to write (there is still that story of what happened to me in 2011, but yaknow).
Because of my body and the many illnesses it possesses, I am not able to go to Church as often as I'd like. Or really, at all. So a lot of what I've heard is coming secondhand from my family. Such as how my sister just one night told me, "Something is going on with Pastor and Sis. Judy, but we don't know what it is."
From that point, we heard a lot of rumors and a lot of backs and forths. And my pastor, himself, said that there were a lot of truths and untruths going around when I was able to make it to his last service just yesterday.
Now I'm not writing this story tonight to gossip or anything, I'm writing it because it's a story that has had such a huge impact on me, and it is ending.
My pastor was involved in a DUI. I don't know how the Alabama laws of DUI and DWI work. DWIs might not exist at all. However. My pastor was only involved because of the pain medication he had to take for his back. That was maybe the second or third time he got into that kind of trouble because of his back. And it hurts me that happened. I know what it's like living in so much pain.
But what hurts even more is what happened with his wife. And I still can't even process it. They're not together right now. After 37 years of marriage, his whole family celebrated her birthday yesterday without him. And all we know is that the police were called to his house because of a domestic disturbance. Domestic violence. Domestic abuse.
And I don't know what to feel about that. I don't know what happened. I just know that she's hurting. That she moved out. That she had to find a new job. That he went to Church yesterday with a broken hand for some reason. And that I am on her side.
I will always love my pastor for the things he's done for me and my family. And while I can't know what exactly happened between his wife and him, I can't feel differently about him. And so for now I kind of just feel numb.
And I am writing this, because I have to let this story end so that I won't feel more of this numbness. I'll just walk away. And pray.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
I didn't even know I knew who she was until she was senselessly shot down at her concert in Orlando.
Christina Grimmie collaborated on one of my favorite Dove Cameron songs. What a Girl Is has touched me so deeply. I've always had a very bad relationship with food. It didn't have anything to do with my body at first. I've just always had this mindset that I shouldn't have food unless I deserve it. I started having issues with the way I view my body after a devastating thing happened to me in 2011. I still remember the first time I looked in the mirror and thought, "They're crazy. I am not beautiful." I still have issues with that sometimes (especially since my body always so sick), but I listen to What a Girl Is, and I remember, I am not just my body.
But my heart has been devastated for the past 36 hours (and especially now after hearing about the mass shooting at the club in Orlando, seven minutes away from where Christina was shot). This young girl shouldn't have died. There was no reason for a girl, not two years younger than I am, to die living out all of her dreams. She was so beautiful. She was so happy. Christina was an angel.
And I cannot lie when I tell you that her death has caused me to think a lot.
And to reevaluate my life.
At the beginning of this year, the one thing I told myself was that I had to be picked up for publishing before 2017. But as most New Year's Resolutions go, I kind of... stopped thinking on it. But events over this past month, poor Christina's death included, have fueled that fire back into me. I AM going to be picked up for publishing by the end of the year. You can be certain of that. I already have two different boutiques for the independent author looking toward me. I CAN do it. I believe in me.
And I would just like to thank Christina for making me believe in myself again. I think, up there in Heaven, she can somehow see that.